Oftentimes, I believe things that others don’t. Like, when at the end of a date, the guy says, “I had a great time. I’ll call you,” I actually look for his call. Or when my best friend calls for the hundredth time in as many days and says, “That’s it. I’m leaving him,” I clean out the spare bedroom - again.
Okay, sure, so sometimes I can be a bit naïve. But I didn’t think my naivety would apply to this contest. However, it has, for, I actually thought:
Naïve Belief #1: Men Will Flock to My Contest in Droves
Now, why did I think this, you ask?
Because I’ve seen statistics on the number of times per minute/hour/day that men think about sex. I’ve heard my guy friends complain about how much they want sex and how little their wife/girlfriend is giving them. I’ve overheard guys declare with pride in coffee shops, bars, restaurants, etc. how hot Vanessa or Cindy or Keisha thought he was. I’ve witnessed the Bar Scene Mating Ritual and seen the guy’s chest puff up when the woman he’d been making eyes at sent him that I-think-you’re-hot smile.
So, all this led me to naively assume that men would:
- Love the opportunity to be a sex symbol, to be desired by women all over cyberspace
- Love the opportunity to be open about sex and romance
- Be comfortable with their sexuality
Instead, some of the responses have surprised me. Yes, there are men – like Julian, Fred, Chris, and others - who met my expectations above. But they have been the exceptions. For every one hundred guys I approached about my contest, fewer than five were receptive.
Some of the responses — like the common “I’m not hot enough”— were endearing, because they revealed a male vulnerability I wasn’t expecting. Which showed me that men, just like women, compare themselves to what society (or Hollywood) promotes as hot – and find themselves lacking.
Other reactions shocked me. Like the model/actor who’d admitted that he’d been a “perpetrator of degrading women” but found Derek to be “lacking any substance, materialistic, and, frankly, offensive.”
But the piece de resistance occurred during my recent guest appearance on Playboy Radio when the host, Tara Mack, asked callers to give me a word for “vagina” to use in a book. When pressed to give an answer, two guys actually hung up.
So I’d like to talk about this. Are guys shy about going public with sex? If given a chance, do guys really want to be a sex symbol? Are men comfortable with their sexuality? Men and women, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
I think most guys really are shy about sex and approaching women. I’ve learned from my conversations with some that they often times won’t approach a woman to ask her out on a date for fear of rejection. I found this interesting when they still fear it even if the woman has expressed mild interest in them.
by Mia Romano June 4th, 2007 at 9:03 amHi Rachelle,
You know I too thought that you would be flooded with entries for this contest! In a way it is nice to know that men too have the same vulnerabilities as women. I would have never thought, when we first met, that my husband would be one of these men. I have seen it though and it is really endearing to me. He was also very shy about sex when we first met and it took him a little while to be comfortable enough to talk about it!
But I have also seen enough men out there who are not shy about sex and plenty comfortable with thier sexuality who would not hesitate to enter this contest!
So where are they hiding…?
Cherie
by Cherie Ochs June 4th, 2007 at 9:21 amIt’s been my experience that very few men are as open about sex as they like people to believe. Most of them talk a big game, but when you get down to it - it’s something of an insecurity. I know when my husband and I are at parties or gatherings with my friends (who are all very vocal writers - need I say more), hubbie’s friends LOVE to listen to us talk about sex, but when pressed to talk about it or give personal opinions themselves, they either clam up or rely on the “I can take whatever you can dish out” party line - which isn’t really who they are. I think men in our society are taught that unless they can be the hot sex God to all, they aren’t man enough. They seem to also think that we women don’t really want “real” men, but only the fantasy men. Personally, I prefer real men, and I married one - and even he is shy. In fact, he tells his friends if I hadn’t asked him out - he probably would’ve never gotten the courage to call me.
Kudos to the guys who did come out to chat. I’ve met Fred, who is a total sweetheart, but haven’t had the pleasure of talking to the other two yet. :) Hi guys!!
by Tina Gerow June 4th, 2007 at 3:52 pmMia - Yes, I’ve known (or talked to) guys who feel that way. And I can totally relate to their feelings - no one wants to experience rejection. And it can be tough when society expects a guy to do most of the pursuing, hence he gets to experience a larger share of the rejection.
And Cherie, ditto the feelings about your husband. It is very endearing and refreshing to discover men’s vulnerabilities, as it makes us feel closer to them, not to mention how great is feels to discover ways in which we are alike, instead of always focusing on the differences.
So, my surprise is not that these men have not come forward, but rather, the ones Tina refers to: Those who talk a “big game.” Now, while this can sometimes mask insecurity, sometimes it seems genuine. There are those men who seem to be comfortable with their sexuality who I was surprised to discover may not have been.
A friend of mine recently told me that he wouldn’t enter my contest because, while he’s comfortable with his sexuality, he’s not comfortable in making it public, putting it out there.
BTW, I second your opinion on wanting “real men” in real life, Tina.
Mia, Cherie, and Tina - thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!
by RachelleChase June 5th, 2007 at 7:36 amI have found it easiest to talk about during a state of arousal- not so much having to be during sex, but perhaps while driving and turning each other… a women could get a man excited and talk about it, what he enjoys, what he wants to do…
It has worked well, for a shy person like me.
by Bill June 21st, 2007 at 5:51 pmBill - thanks so much for being the first guy to come forward and share his thoughts. Really appreciate it.
I think that’s an excellent technique - sexy talk during sex can not only be arousing, but also informative. And I’m happy to hear that it works for you, too.
So … can I ask you another question? Since you admit to being shy, would you ever enter a contest like mine? Why or why not?
Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment!
by Rachelle Chase June 21st, 2007 at 9:01 pm[…] Also, stop by my blog and check out my woman-on-the-street video interview of potential Dereks, plus share your thoughts about men and sex. I’d like to get some serious dialogue going on between the sexes about this topic! […]
by Rachelle Chase’s SEX LOUNGE Finding Derek CONTEST » Blog Archive » View Dereks, Video, and Talk About Sex August 6th, 2007 at 9:41 amHi Rachelle this is one of your contestants, Nego F. #29. Being a man is really harder than women think. I’d like to first start by saying that even though men like to think that they are in charge of a relationship it’s actually the woman that commands it. A man can only act according to a womans needs, feelings, thoughts, etc. If a woman (that he’s attracted to of course) gives a man the right amount of attention, he will be all over her in a heart beat. Otherwise he is on to the next woman to find that attention. You have to understand that men do not get propositioned for dates, sex, etc nearly as often as women, so he has to pretty much get in where he fits in and has to relearn his woman. So its not so much that a man is being a dog or a player or being emotionally unattached, it’s just that he’s trying to fill that void the best way society will allow him to. But then he grows up and eventually realizes that its better to chase one woman than a flock of them. The moral of the story is that men are shy because no matter how much they are on top of their game, they really dont know what is expected of them until they are actually in the situation.
by Nego Fe October 3rd, 2007 at 12:53 pmHi Nego - thanks for taking the time to comment. As I told Bill, it’s great to get a man’s perspective on this.
I think it’s interesting to note the similarities between men and women - you mention that men “don’t know what’s expected of them until they are in a situation.” I think this holds true for women, too, as every man is different and what’s ‘expected’ by one is not the same for the other. So women share that … confusion, too.
I love your statement about a woman “commands” the relationship. Ahhhh, I wish that were so, as I would carry my magic wand with me always. :-) Seriously, I do agree that women are the ones that give the green and red lights and set the boundaries for what will or will not happen in an encounter or relationship - with a willing, interested guy, that is.
I don’t quite understand what you mean by this statement:
“… so he has to pretty much get in where he fits in and has to relearn his woman. So its not so much that a man is being a dog or a player or being emotionally unattached, it’s just that he’s trying to fill that void the best way society will allow him to.”
Could you explain?
Best,
by RachelleChase October 25th, 2007 at 6:56 amRachelle
Rachelle I would love to explain what I meant with that comment. I simply was trying to let women know that yes there are men out there that are simply disrespectful and underseving of a woman. These men however have referred to their babaric ways of being doggish because of confus
by Nego F October 26th, 2007 at 2:57 pmion with women. They have not gotten in tune with their sensitive side. A great movie that can best explain that is the mel gibson movie “What women want”. It’s not so much his fault for not understanding a woman. Women have it easier as they are the ones being propositioned, which gives them the upperhand since men have to lay everything on the line so that the woman can see what she is getting. A woman however doesnt need to do all that because 9 out of 10 times she already had him at hello. When you are trained to be a hunter, alot of those characteristics will become part of you. To explain it in simpler terms (as you can see I am enjoying this, thats why the long comment). A MAN WILL SEARCH TILL HE FINDS WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR. IF ONE DOESNT WORK HE HAS TO FIND A NEW ONE AND RELEARN THAT WOMAN. A WOMAN DOESNT NEED TO DO THAT BECAUSE SHE CAN SIT BACK AND WATCH (SORT OF LIKE AN INTERVIEW). HE WILL EVENTUALLY GIVE YOU ALL THE INFO YOU NEED. A MAN HAS TO HAVE IMPECCABLE TIMING AND BE AWARE OF HER FEELINGS AND MOOD CHANGES. SOCIETY HAS MADE IT THIS WAY SO HE PRETTY MUCH HAS TO DEAL WITH IT THE BEST WAY HE CAN AND TRY TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.
by Nego F October 26th, 2007 at 3:11 pmNego, thanks so much for taking the time to explain your answer.
I am waiting for the sequel, What Men Want, to come out. :-) Though, the serious version, not a comedy.
The statement below seems to be a key point of your answer and, while I can understand why you feel this way, it’s not my experience:
I think the only part of being ‘propositioned’ that gives a woman the ‘upper hand’ is that, since the guy came to her, she knows he’s interested in her for something (which she still has to try and figure out what he’s really interested in her for). As opposed to the guy, who has to risk propositioning a woman without really knowing for sure whether or not he’ll be rejected - yes, this part, being the pursuer and possibly facing rejection, is harder.
But, after this first interaction - when both parties are interested/engaged - the playing field is pretty even. Just like the man, the woman has to ‘re-learn’ - because every man is different. Both sexes have to figure out where the other one is coming from, determine if everything’s on the up and up, if he/she is right for them, etc.
Thanks for sharing your opinion - and making this discussion so interesting and informative, Nego. I’ve truly enjoyed it.
Best,
by RachelleChase November 11th, 2007 at 3:29 amRachelle